Let me ask you something. You happy with your color?
Fuckin' love my color. Fuckin' mahogany.
- Yeah. You're mahogany. - Yeah.
- Hell, yeah. You happy with your color? - No.
- No? - Ah, well, what is it? What is it?
You're like a... a porridge,
a cream of wheat, a farina, that kind of shit.
That's what white people's skin tone is. It's just different kinds of hot cereal.
- Right. Right, right. - Black people, your skin tone's like,
it depends on the amount of milk you put in the coffee.
Fuckin' right. I'm like a fuckin' Yoo-hoo.
I shake that motherfucker up. I'm shakin' it up.
Yoo-hoo's a good color. Fuckin' good color. Shit.
- Yeah, Yoo-hoo's a really good color. - Yeah.
- What? - There you go.
- Somewhere between-- - What the--what the fuck?
Hey. Larry.
- Randi. Yeah. - You got it.
- I'm a friend of Susie's. - I know, I know, I know. Yeah.
- Happy New Year. - It's a little late, frankly,
for the "Happy New Years," you know?
Why? It just happened a couple of weeks ago, right?
Yeah, that's too long. The statute of limitations
has kind of run out on the "New Years."
- Three days. Plenty. - Three days?
By the way, everything doesn't have to be happy.
Why does everything have to be happy?
- I'm having a pretty good day. - Yeah. Look at you.
- That's, that's huge. - Yeah, I'm about eight months.
If you need some name tips, I'm your guy.
- Yeah. - What would you suggest?
Maybe something, Swedish, perhaps?
Yeah, I'm... my husband is African-American,
so I'm not sure that would, I don't know, gel.
You like saying that, don't you.
- Do I like saying... - Yeah.
- ...that he's African-American? - I think you wanted me to know.
- Does it change your opinion of me? - In some ways, yes. In some ways, no.
- Okay. Enjoy your workout. - All right.
What are you doing?
What?
What's with the-- what's with the jogging?
I'm... I'm working out.
- Working out? - Yeah.
You, you're jostling the fetus.
You can't--You can't run in your condition.
Yes, I can.
I was advised by my midwife that I should continue to work out.
Maybe you want to consult your blacksmith.
See what he has to say about it.
Oh, I don't, want to get into it with you, but...
- my fetus, my problem, okay? - I pity that fetus.
- Oh, my God. - I can't watch this.
- Happy New Year. - Yeah, Happy New Year.
Hey, hey, hey. Come on. Come on, man.
- You gotta stay dry. - You're over-talcing here.
- Happy New Year. - Yeah, yeah.
- I couldn't even breathe in there. - Right.
He was putting talc under his arm, on his balls... It was disgusting.
- I mean, who still uses that? - I use that shit all the time.
- Can't be good for you. - Not if you're allergic to it.
My Auntie Rey put some of that shit on her,
and went into anaphylactic shock.
- Really? - Yeah. Started shakin' and shit.
Took her to the ER. Man, they had to pump her stomach for nothing.
- That's incredible. - Yeah, man.
- Look at this guy in the MAGA hat. - Boy. You don't see...
You don't see many of those in LA, do you?
You fuckin' don't. Know what I noticed?
No one ever wears those hats on backwards.
If mean, if you're gonna get your ass kicked, you want to see it coming.
I like that.
- Yeah. - Mocha--Mocha Joe's
Mocha Joe. I know a Mocha Joe.
- You want some coffee? - Sure. Okay.
- Let's go in here. - Get a little latte.
- Thank you so much. I appreciate it. - Thank you.
Have a great day.
- Whoa! Blast from the past. - Oh, boy, oh, boy.
- Larry David. Wow. - Mocha Joe!
Long time, no see, man. What are you doin' here?
- What's your name? - Leon.
- Leon. Nice to meet you. - This is unreal.
Do you believe it? What can I get you guys?
- I'll get a-- Do you have scones? - Yeah. Right there. They're beautiful.
Great. I'll have a scone, and a, cup of coffee.
Cup of coffee and a scone. What about you, Leon?
- Let me get a latte. - All right. One scone,
a coffee, a latte. That's $11.50.
There you go. Keep the change.
Oh, thanks for the tip. Appreciate it.
A latte and a coffee, please. Thank you.
Mm.
- It's a little soft. - What, the scone?
Yeah. Scones are supposed to be hard. This is like a muffin.
Well, not really. It's supposed to be fresh.
Yeah, fresh hard.
Well, that's a fresh scone.
I'm not quite sure you know what a scone is, Mocha Joe.
- Oh, I know what a scone is. - Do you?
- Yeah. - You may have a looser definition
of scone than I do. I don't think it's really open to interpretation, though.
You want the scone, or not?
Yeah, I'll keep the scone-slash-muffin.
- So you're gonna keep the scone? - Yeah. Muffin. Yeah.
Enjoy the scone, Larry.
- Hey, you got any Danishes? - No.
You're fuckin' up.
Next.
Oh, my God.
- Look at this table. Do you believe it? - Wow.
- Hey, hey, Mocha Joe.
Yeah?
- Check out this table. - Yeah?
It's a wobb-- you got a wobbly table, here.
- Yeah, well, stop moving it. - Stop moving it?
It's-- every time I, I, I lean on it, it's gonna move.
Put your foot on it, like everybody else does.
I'm gonna sit with my foot on the table?
Yeah, that's how you hold it down. The floors are wobbly.
Mocha Joe, can I give you a little advice?
- Yeah. - Nobody likes a wobbly table.
Fastest way to lose customers is wobbly tables.
I got an uncle with a wobbly leg. I can't stand that motherfucker.
Leaning on shit all the time.
- Hmm. - Two medium cappuccinos.
Aah.
Taste your coffee.
- Cold. - It's cold.
- Hey, man. - Hey, Mocha Joe.
- What? - This is cold coffee.
Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. That coffee is not cold.
- Is your coffee cold? - Your coffee's hot, right?
Look, we don't wanna be fuckin' haters right now,
- but this shit is cold. - Can, can I get a n--
- Can I get a new cup? - No.
So you're not gonna give me a new cup.
No. 'Cause that's a hot cup of coffee.
- It was hot when I gave it to you-- - That's a hot cup of coffee?
It's a hot cup of coffee. It was hot when I gave it to you.
Would you stick your nose in a hot cup of coffee?
- Why would you stick your nose-- - Because I want to prove to you
that it's cold coffee. Watch this. That's cold coffee.
- That doesn't prove anything except... - It does.
...that you're an old, bald nut!
- What'd you say to me? - You heard me.
- Now get out, you old, bald fuck! - With pleasure!
You think I want to sit here with a wobbly table,
- and drink cold black coffee? - Yeah.
- No, thank you. - Yeah, good. Get out.
Hey. Larry might be one or two of those things, but not all three.
Happy New Year, Larry.
Happy New Year, Mocha Joe!
Morning, Larry. How are you?
- Your dog? - Bogey!
He's eating out of my bowl.
Oh, I just got that bowl from the kitchen.
- I thought it was an office bowl. - It's an office bowl for humans.
- Not for dogs. - I mean, I wash it at the end of the day
- with soap, and then I dry it, and-- - No, that's not enough.
It needs to be sterilized. I can't, I can't...
share a bowl with a dog.
- I've got some mail for you. - Ah!
- And there's some other stuff. - Wait a second. Wait a second.
- Look at this. - Yeah.
- Is that new? - Relatively.
All right, what-- What the hell is that? Why is one eye closed?
- What is all that? - Oh, well, it's kind of personal.
I don't-- I don't share it with everybody.
Yeah, it's very personal.
The whole world can see it, but it's personal.
- Well, it's on my body. - Okay, okay.
Hey, let me ask you something, okay?
If I walked in here with a horn on my head,
would you say, "What are you doing with a horn on your head?"
I'd say, "Oh, I can't tell you. It's personal."
I got the tattoo because of an event in my life,
and it means something special to me. It's a reminder of that to me.
- It's just for me. - Really?
Then why didn't you put it on your ass?
I have something from the business manager that you need to sign.
Ah. All right.
- Okay. - It's just...
There's an initial, and a date,
and I think three signatures.
May I?
Oh, what are you doing? That's my shirt.
Well, I was... cleaning my glasses.
You can't clean your glasses with a shirt that I'm wearing
while I'm wearing it. It's inappropriate.
It's crossing a boundary.
- No good? - No good.
Hmm. Okay.
I know. Susie loves this house even more than her last one.
- Well, the last one stunk. - It was too big.
And he called me... He called me old and bald.
- What? - I swear to God.
You know, I'll tell you something. I love coffee,
and I love his coffee, but you're one of my old--
You are my oldest friend. I'm gonna boycott that place.
- You're gonna boycott Mocha Joe's? - I'm boycotting.
- Hey! - How about that?
I'm boycotting Mocha Joe. You can't do that to my friend.
- Look at this guy. Look at this guy. - That's a friend.
We were in the same hospital together.
- He can't fuck with my friend. - All right!
- I'm gonna get some coffee. - Okay.
Enjoy your coffee.
- He's boycotting. - He's boycotting. That's a big move.
- That's a big move, a boycott. - Oh, my God.
Who invited you? You pig.
No, Nancy, that is not Harvey Weinstein.
I'm so sorry, Jeff. My sister's from out of town.
- I'm just, I'm really sorry. - Oh, my God. Oh, I'm so--
- I'm the host of the party. - Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
Yes, I'm not Harvey Weinstein.
I'm sorry. Thank you. I'm sorry. Okay.
He looks like Harvey Weinstein. He looks just like him.
- What the hell? - Okay.
All the time, women, men-- doesn't matter.
- Geez. - And suddenly, I'm this guy.
- Unbelievable. - Unbelievable.
I'm starving. Oh! Pigs in a blanket.
- What's better? - Oh...
I've been following her around all night, but she never has any.
They go fast.
I don't care how foo-foo the other items are,
- and people love 'em, pigs in a blanket. - Yeah.
Larry, I am extremely displeased with your behavior.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the 16th president of these United States...
- Yeah, yeah. You're funny. - ...Abraham Lincoln.
Let's give him a big round of applause.
- Like you know anything about fashion. - It is such an honor
to be standing near you, Mr. President.
This hat is very similar to the one that Kate Middleton wore.
- Okay? You don't know shit. - Oh, really?
I know you look ridiculous. How about that?
You act ridiculous. Why are you harassing my friend Randi at the gym?
Hey, you know what? Somebody has to stand up for that fetus.
- You don't know anything about fetuses. - I know you don't go on a treadmill
eight months pregnant. You don't have to be a genius
- to figure that out. - Why not? Why not?
Do you think that's good for fetus? All that jostling?
It's not your job to mansplain to Randi!
Jeff, there's people I want you to meet.
- Okay. - "Four score and seven years ago,
"our fathers brought forth to this continent
"a new nation,
"conceived in liberty,
- dedicated..." - Larry, Happy New Year.
You're too late.
"Happy New Year." Come on. It's three weeks.
- Isn't it almost a month already? - It's ridiculous.
Ah, look, well, they have nothing to say, these people.
- Oh, man. - How do you know
it's a happy new year, anyway?
- I can't believe it. - What?
Aw, I missed 'em again. It's unbelievable.
Hey, Larry! Hey!
- Hey. - How you been?
- Good. - Yeah, great to see you.
- Shit. That's Rosen-- Phil Rosenthal. - Phil Rosenthal.
He just talks about his shows all the time.
His own show, and how about-- Romano is on 500 times a day.
Somebody Feed Phil.
Oh, geez, with all the chaos in the world,
- in third-world countries, feed him? - He should be feeding other people.
It should be called Phil Feeds Everybody.
You know what I'm gonna do with him tonight?
- What's that? - The Big Goodbye.
I'm employing The Big Goodbye.
- It's the greatest move in history. - How great is The Big Goodbye?
I've been doing it for years, since you taught me.
- You avoid the person all night... - Of course.
And then at the end, when you're about to leave,
you go, "Ah!" You give 'em a big goodbye.
- Then they feel good... - Bye! Goodbye
and good luck to you and your family.
They're very happy that you spent this time with them
at the end of the night, and...
- and you slip out. - It's genius.
Are you up for doing our old ventriloquist act?
- I don't know. Susie wants to see it. - Yeah, I'll do it.
- You will? Okay, good. - Yeah.
Can we do it pretty soon? Because I want Ted to see it before he leaves.
- Of course. - Thank you.
Ted.
I'd like to thank Jeff and Susie for inviting us into their beautiful home.
I like the other one.
Well, I think the house is very nice.
Did they throw that fish smell in for free?
And, and, and look at all our other friends who are kind enough to join us.
- There's, there's Ted Danson. - Wow, is he handsome!
He sure thinks so.
Oh!
And how about Susie, our inimitable hostess?
Susie, I love the curtains, but why did you make a jacket out of it?
Oh!
- Are you having a good time? - A good time? Are you kidding me?
I'm with a bunch of stiffs, the food sucks, the drinks aren't strong enough,
and your hand is up my ass.
Hey. Don't look so down.
Are you mad?
- Let's kiss and make up. - I'm...
- I'm not gonna kiss a dummy. - I wouldn't. She's got a cold.
Aw. That's the end!
Bravo!
Bravo! Cheryl and Larry.
Cheryl and Larry.
What a great audience. Thank you. Thank you.
Fantastic. Thank you all for coming. I love that bit.
- Thanks for coming. - Always loved that bit.
- You were very funny. - Thank you.
- I'm sorry, but I gotta catch my plane. - Okay.
Actually, you know what, I better not. I don't wanna catch a cold.
- Oh, I know. You gotta stay... - I'm sorry. Yeah.
- I'll call you when I land. - ...healthy. Okay.
You don't need to call her when you land.
If there's a plane crash, we'll know about it.
- Okay. I'll walk you, Ted. - Thank you, guys.
- Thank you for coming. - That was a great evening.
Ah! There you are. Finally gotcha.
Sir, I need you to get out of here.
Get out of here? What are you talking about?
I need you to leave this room 'cause you've been ogling me...
- the entire night. - Ogling you? Are you nuts?
- I've been ogling the pigs in a blanket. - Am I--
Oh, my God. Yeah.
- Not the first time this has happened. - What? I want one.
Wow.
- Ah. Hey. - Hey. Excuse me.
- Were we a hit? - We were a hit.
- We were the highlight of this party. - Highlight of the party.
Yeah, I mean, it's a been a while, but we've still got it.
- What are--What are you doing? - I'm gonna go home.
- I'm just getting an Uber. - Uber?
- I'll take you home. - You don't have to do that.
Ah, it's nothing.
- Okay. Okay. Thank you. That's-- - Just give me...
- Give me two minutes. - Okay. All right. Thanks.
Are you kidding?
I can't believe I didn't get a chance to talk to you all night,
and now I'm on my way out.
- What a shame. - You giving me The Big Goodbye?
The Big Goodbye? What are you-- What are you talking about?
Big Goodbye. Where you avoid me all night, and then you think you can
cure it by having a Big Goodbye. I know. I've been around.
I wasn't giving you a Big-- I never heard of the Big Goodbye.
- It seems like a Big Goodbye. - No, it wasn't.
It was just a normal goodbye.
- That's a normal goodbye. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Really?
Yeah. I wasn't trying to avoid you. Are you kidding? Why would I avoid you?
Have lunch with me Wednesday? We have a lot to talk about. Listen,
we're doing Raymond in Portugal. Yeah. Everybody Loves Joam.
It's fantastic. I get to go.
And then I have the whole Somebody Feed Phil show.
I want you to do my show. I want to go to Ethiopia with you.
- Ethiopia. - Ethiopia's great.
I don't think I'm running off to Ethiopia--
Sure, you eat with your hands. It's fantastic.
Everybody shares, and, and the thing---I... I...
I don't like to leave the continent, you know.
- No? All right. You know what? - Nah.
We'll start lunch Wednesday. We'll see where it goes.
Say yes to me and you can go.
- Okay. - Okay.
You know, did I ever tell you that I once did a, premature Big Goodbye?
So what does that mean? You said goodbye and then you didn't leave?
- I did a Big Goodbye and then I didn't-- - Come on.
- And I didn't leave. - And what did they do? They were mad?
I ran into her in the kitchen about an hour later.
And what do you say? What do you even say?
She said, "I thought you left." I said, "Well, you know.
I got... something happened." I don't know.
I made up a story. I, but I, I can't believe that...
that he knew about the Big Goodbye. That was unbelievable to me.
Well, I can't believe that you kissed me when you knew I had a cold.
- That was pretty unbelievable. - Yeah. You...
I would do it again.
Wow, Larry.
- What are we doing? - By the way, before we get into that,
are you aware that you have a wobbly table here?
Look at this. Look at this table. It's unbelievable.
I, I don't know how you can go to bed at night.
- Yeah, it doesn't bother me. - If all tables in your house wobbled,
you could live like that? You could in a wobble-house?
We need to talk about Ted. We need to talk about
everything that just happened here.
- What? - What?
- What are you so... - Oh...
- I'm, I'm your ex-husband. - Ted is such a good person.
No, he's not such a good person, okay?
You don't do that. You don't date a friend's ex-wife.
I mean, it's crazy.
- You know what it is? - Now... what?
I think when I'm with you, it makes me feel...
- ...better about myself? - Morally superior.
- Yes. - Yes.
- I hear that a lot. Yeah. - Yeah. So, I'm not perfect,
- but at least I'm better than you. - You're better than me.
I can relate to what you're saying,
'cause I don't, I don't feel that way with people.
- I feel morally inferior to people. - Yeah.
But I feel that way with animals 'cause they're generally so stupid,
and I can-- especially insects, I can crush them.
You know, and, and they eat each other.
I mean, they're crazy, animals. So, yeah.
I feel smarter and morally superior to them.
- Hey. Let me ask you something. - Yeah?
Is there any chance that... we might meet up again?
We'll see.
- You can't stay here. - I'm gonna tell you something, okay?
- If we ever got back together... - Yeah.
...and somehow this table appeared on, on our bedside...
- Yeah? - ...it would be fixed immediately.
- Immediately. - Oh, my God.
- I could not live with a wobbly table. - Larry, please.
- Go. - Okay.
Ha-ha!
- What? - Where the fuck you been at?
- What are you? My mother? - Fuck yeah, I am.
All right, I was at a party, okay? I was at Jeff's party.
That party was over a long time ago.
Yeah. This right here-- This right here? It's called tappin' hours.
This is the hours when people are tappin' ass.
I'm not tappin'. I'm not tappin'.
Older white men should not be out this fuckin' late.
There's no late-night yacht club, or late-night garage sales
and shit like that. You out here fuckin'.
When I'm tappin', I always tell you.
I come home and spread the fuckin' news.
You wanna know who I'm tappin'? You wanna know who I'm tappin'?
Who the fuck you tappin'?
I can't get out of it. It's Phil Rosenthal. He's just--
What do you do? How many times can you say no?
You couldn't do the Big Goodbye?
I did the Big Goodbye. He saw right through it.
Ah! You know what I'll do?
I'll call you in the middle of lunch.
Say it's an emergency and you gotta go.
I did that the last time I had lunch with him.
Oh, boy. That guy's relentless.
Hey, Lar, that was some party last night?
- Yeah, it was a great party. - You had a good time?
- I did. I had a nice time. - Yeah.
So you drove Cheryl home?
- Yep. - That was very nice of you.
- Considering Ted's out of town-- - Yeah. I'm a nice guy.
- Yeah. - Yeah. I'm a nice guy.
So, what, did you just drop her off, or--
- Yeah. Pretty much. - Hmm.
Dropped her off. Said good night. Went on my merry way.
Mm-hmm.
- Is there something you'd like to know-- - No, no, no.
Something you're not saying?
You know, can I person not just ask
- a, a normal question? - No, they're not normal questions.
There's a lot of implications. A lot of implications.
You're on a little fishing expedition.
You know, you two are something.
- You two make crap up-- - We're something?
You know what? You're something.
Don't eat all the leftovers. We need them for dinner.
- Sure, I won't. - You're something.
- I'll eat whatever the fuck I want. - That's right.
Hey. Did you sleep with Cheryl?
- Yeah. - You did?
- Yeah. Listen. - Ah.
You cannot say anything to Susie. Cannot.
Under any circumstances. Cheryl swore me to secrecy.
She didn't want me to tell you. But I had to. I couldn't-- How could I not?
I'm a human being, for God's sake.
- I think it's great. - Right?
Yes. Wha-- What are you hoping to get out of it, though?
I'm hoping to get back together, but...
- I'll be surprised if I see her again. - Hmm.
- We on for golf on Saturday? - Yeah.
Arnie Norton asked if he could play.
I'm not playing with him. He's a Trump supporter.
- Never play with a Trump supporter. - Really?
See him around town with that hat. "Make America Great Again."
I don't need that crap.
He just-- He makes me want to not be anywhere near him.
I don't know. You can check with Carl. See if he wants to play.
I gotta go.
- Oh, hello, there. - Hi.
Hi. I'm Phil Rosenthal. I have a twelve o'clock.
Oh, yes. Mr. David's already here.
- He is? Wow. - Yes. Right this way.
- Very impressive. - He was early.
- Enjoy. - Hey, Phil!
Good to see you. Sit. Sit down. Sit down.
Boy, I'm so glad we did this. It was such a good idea.
You, you were definitely right.
I'm, I'm starving. I hope this place is good.
Yeah, yeah, it's great. It's big portions
on the food and everything. It's really...
a fantastic place.
You know what else? I've been thinking...
Really thinking about this Ethiopia thing.
Yeah, actually, I heard that we have some budget cuts,
and Ethiopia's a little... ex-expensive to shoot in.
Wasn't that one of the shithole countries?
I can't remember if that was on the list or not.
- Oh, look. I'm getting a thing. - Oh!
Oh, yeah. Oh, look at that....
My son's flight, got in early.
- And I gotta get him. Gotta go get him. - Oh! Really?
- Yeah, no, really. - Let's... Send an Uber or something.
He needs to see me because he has a little anxiety.
No, no! You know what? Phil...
No, no. We'll, we'll, we'll... We'll... something.
Fill her up.
- Ah! Arigato! - Yes.
- Arigato! - All right. Two seats at the sushi bar.
You know what? Actually, I think we'd prefer to sit at a table, please.
Sad.
Very sad. Sad.
- Hey! What the fuck are you doing? - Whoa.
- Oh, God. Oh, God. - Motherfucker! What the fuck?
What are you trying to do, man?
- What the fuck are you doing? - Oh, God. Oh, God.
- You little fucker! You little fucker! - I'm sorry, I didn't see you.
- What the fuck? - I'm sorry, I didn't see you!
I'm ought to rip you outta that fuckin' car!
- You little shit. - I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
Oh. Just be more careful next time, okay?
Will do. Will do. Okay. Thank you.
What are you-- what are you doing here?
What do you mean what am I doin' here?
- Come out. I want to talk to you. - You come here.
- No, come on. Come on out here. - No, you come.
- Come on. I want to talk to you. - I'm not leaving. You come.
- You come. You come. - Aw, fuck it.
What are you doing here? You said you were gonna boycott this place.
I am boycotting this place.
Oh, this is a boycott? Sitting here drinking coffee?
That's a boy-- that's quite a boycott.
I told you, for the rest of my dying days,
I will never come to this place with you.
- Ever. - That's not what you said.
- I said I was-- - You said you're boycotting this place.
And you're never coming back here. You didn't say with me.
What are you? My Jewish puppet master?
I can do whatever the fuck I want alone,
- but with you I will never come in here. - Look!
- I swear on my life. - Who the fuck needs you for a boycott
if I'm boycotting already? I don't need you
to boycott. You said you're boycotting,
- but you didn't boycott. - Are you done?
I--I don't understand. I si-- I don't understand you.
Oh, my God. Now she's drinking coffee!
- Who's that? - It's unbelievable.
- Who? - Susie's friend.
I saw her in the gym the other day. She's eight months pregnant.
She was running on a treadmill. She has no regard for this fetus.
Now she's drinking coffee.
This coffee, by the way, is unbelievable. It's fantastic.
- Is it hot? - It's very hot.
- Let me see that for a second. - Hey, don't touch my--
I don't like-- Don't touch it. What the-- Hey, stop it!
- What are you, a fuckin' goose? - Okay. That's not hot coffee, okay?
If that was hot coffee, I, I would have burned my nose.
Who asked for a nose test? I didn't want a nose test!
- What, are you outta your mind? - Not hot.
What the hell is going on here?
- Is he bothering you, Mr. Lewis? - Yes, he's bothering me.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, really.
You know what, Larry? Get out. This is what it's come to.
You're banned. For life. I never wanna see you in here again.
- Is that so? - Yeah. You're banned. Banned! Get out!
With pleasure.
Mark my words, Mocha Joe, and mark them well.
I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I will exact vengeance.
As God is my witness,
I will bring you to the brink of extinction,
or I will die trying.
- Happy New Year, Mocha Joe! - Happy New Year, Larry.
- Hey, Happy New Year, man. - Happy New Year.
- Hello, Larry David's office. - Hi, my name is Valerie Ashburn.
I'd like to speak to Larry David.
Yes, may I ask what this is regarding?
Sure. This is regarding him sexually assaulting me at a party.
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. What-- What happened?
I was catering at a party. Larry was molesting me with his eyes
the entire night. And then when I went into a pantry,
he followed me in, cornered me,
and he grabbed my breast. I was lucky to get out of there.
You know he did something like that to me, too?
- No. Oh, my God. - Yeah.
Everything was fine. And one day he...
asked about a tattoo I have on my arm,
and I wouldn't tell him what it meant, and then he got obsessive about it.
And why did I have it on my arm,
and why didn't I have it on my butt, somewhere private.
- Okay. So this is a pattern. - Oh, yeah.
And that's just the beginning.
What the fuck!
Fuck!
Shit.
Damn it. Frickin' dog.
And he grabbed my shirt to wipe his glasses.
Hold on. I have to shut the door.
- Larry? - I'll be out in a second.
Okay.
- What's with the robe? - Oh.
'Cause I spit cereal up all over my shirt,
because there was dog hair in it.
- Disgusting. - Right?
So... what's going on? What do you...
What, what are you doing here? You haven't been here in a year.
What the fuck is going on with you?
- What are you talking about? - You're wearing a MAGA hat
at a sushi restaurant?
- Is that true? - Well, I did have the hat on, yeah.
- What, are you pro-Trump? - No, no.
Look, I got this idea to wear that hat
so I wouldn't have to have lunch with Phil Rosenthal.
And it worked like a charm. He saw me in the hat and he left the restaurant.
- It was amazing. - I'm not surprised.
You know what? It's really comin' in handy.
Yeah, 'cause no one's gonna wanna be anywhere near you.
Exactly! It's, it's a great people repellent.
You know, look. When you're a celebrity,
you can do anything you want. You can grab 'em by the pussy--
- What did you say? - What?
Why are you wearing a bathrobe?
- And that hat! - Oh, no, no! No, I--
Oh, my God! You're friends with that monster?
- No, I'm-- - No!
- No, no, no, no, no! - No! No, no, I'm just--
- I'm getting a lawyer! - No! What? Hey! What?
No! I'm in the bathrobe 'cause your fuckin' dog got hair
all over my cereal bowl, and that's not Weinstein!
- I'll take it. - It's all yours.
What are you doin' here, Larry? I thought
I told you to get out and not come back.
Yeah, so you did, Mocha Joe. So you did.
I've merely come to inform you
that I have leased the place next door,
where I'll be opening up a coffee shop exactly the same as yours.
Only charging much lower prices.
All for the express purpose
of taking you down.
Knock yourself out. I welcome the competition.
I'm not afraid of you. You don't have the beans.
I'm the only guy in Los Angeles who has these beans.
- Yeah. I'll get beans. - Oh, you won't find better beans
- than my beans. - I'll get better beans.
- No such thing as better beans. - There are better beans,
- Mocha Joe. - No better beans, Larry.
- I will find better beans. - Mm-hmm, good luck.
- See ya, Larry. - You know what I'm gonna call it?
- What? - Latte Larry's.
- Can I come in? - Y-yes.
- Yes, yes. - Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm positive. I'm a little surprised, is all.
- Come in. - Okay.
- Wow. Holy cow. I can't-- - Well...
- I can't believe you're here. - You told me, right? I mean--
Give me two minutes.
Two minutes. I'll be right back. Stay right there.
Ha-ha!
- Fuckin' my movie up. What you want? - I need that talcum powder.
- What you got goin' on? - It's an emergency.
- Get me the talcum powder! - Fuck!
Who you tappin'?
Cheryl.
What? My man Larry David re-tappin' that ass!
Ooh.
Did you powder down there?
- No good? - I'm allergic.
Oh! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh! Call 9-1-1!
Easy.
Hey. Jesus, slow down.
- What happened? - Oh, she, swallowed some talcum powder,
and is having an allergic reaction to it.
Did she ingest anything else?
Kind of a personal question, don't you think?
So sorry!
Oh, my God. You look so much better.
- Do I? - Oh. Are you kidding?
I couldn't even look at you before. I mean, it was...
really, like, hideous. You looked... disgusting.
- I could barely glance at you. - Yeah, because of you.
- Yeah. - You're the one that
put the talcum powder-- I'm allergic, and you--
- It's because of you. - Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
Yeah. But you know, I was thinking,
if that happened when we were married and your face...
for some reason, stayed that way, what would I have done?
What do you mean what would you have done?
Well, I mean, could I have lived with you looking like that?
You're such an asshole.
You are such... I mean, I'm, I'm fighting for my life,
and this is what you're... Susie?
What are you guys doing here?
What are you-- what are you doing here?
Randi had contractions, and...
She's walking around the halls trying to induce,
'cause nothing's happening, so I thought I'd come and keep her company.
- Randi's here? - Yeah. Cheryl, what happened?
- She got stung by a wasp. - I'd an allergic reaction to shellfish.
Okay. I knew it. I knew something was going on with you two.
I could smell it. That night at our house. The ventriloquist.
He drove you home. Something's been going on here.
- I knew it. I knew it! - Bravo!
- Bravo, Poirot. - Oh, no. Hey.
- Ted is in the garage. - What?
- He's on his way up. - What?
You--You can't be here.
You better leave. You better leave, Larry.
How does he--How does he know you're in the hospital?
Because he just flew in from San Francisco
- and he texted me when he landed. I... - Because he's her significant other,
and you're her significant nothing!
- Just keep your fuckin' trap shut! - Go!
Oh.
Hey!
- Just slow down! - Excuse me, sir!
- God! - Oh! Oh, my God!
- Larry! - You?
Are you fucking kidding me, you piece of shit?
Okay, if anything happens to this baby, it's gonna be your fault.
Oh, please. After what that fetus has been through,
this'll be a day at the beach.
Happy New Year!